flutters in the stomach

I am feeling flutters in the stomach
I am said I am an addict
I am an addict to pain
I have been an addict to pain for 12 years
I get pleasure in pain
I get pleasure in beating myself
I cant ignore what he did
I live with what he did
I want to know what he did
I have disgust for what he did
I have disgust for some of the fantasies
I take them on
I get pleasure in pain
I take it on

My mind is rejecting
My body is rejecting
I am feeling phuckish
I am feeling scattered
I am feeling sick
I have learnt to live with this
This sick feeling
Its there
and I am learning to live with it

I cant ignore it
I cant tell him go satisfy it somewhere else
I cant myself deal with it and enjoy it
I cant loose the good because of this revulsion
I cant ignore it
It is like I am hooked on it
I am hooked to this pain it causes

What are my alternates...

I can completely reject all of him
I can ignore the bad of him
I can tell him to go satisfy it somewhere else
And live with him
I can participate in it with him

I cant seem to get to any of the three completely.
And It is making me sick.

I CANT CONTROL HIM
and what one does not like , they move off
I am not moving off what I dont like.

I am shaking.
I dont know what to do.