Days I land here

How does this happen
There are days I land here to write
Those days my head is reeling
And I am feeling confused
Like today I am feeling light
Today is a day to tuck in bed and lie with a book
Maybe watch a movie
As my whole body is resonating
My head is resonating
With the uncertainity
The pain of existing
When will this pain stop
When will this pain go
I watch it now sometimes
I just sit and watch it
But there are days when it bursts
Like lighting in the storm
It wants to find a mark
and strike
And it does
Again and again
On myself !!!!!!!!!

Fear

What we fear always come true
What is it that fear does
Fear of loss
Fear of Happiness
Fear of face
Fear of love
Fear of attachement
It causes pain
Fear causes Pain
Big bad Pain
But fear always come true
It is almost like we attact the fear
To make it happen. 

One more day

Today ! Again!
Yes . Again.
Overwelhmed
Yes. Again.
Breakdown.
Yes. Again.
Anxiety Attack
Yes. Again and Again.

Alone-ness

Explain Alone-ness
It is empty feeling
There is nothing u crave for
U feel dead
U feel misunderstood
U feel like no one knows u
U need a wall
U feel sinking in your stomach
U feel dread
U feel dysfunctional
U spend hours just being
Not knowing where time went
It is an emotion I have not experienced before
It takes the love of life out of you
Out of your being
Your confidence
Your being
All sucked out
U lose any joy in life
U almost dont want to live anymore
U drag each day for the sake of it
As u are too scared to end it

Alone

I am alone
I was lonely last year
Now I am officially alone
It does not matter
If there is someone around or not
If u are partying or not
If u are living with someone or not
U are alone.

Loneliness gets taken care of
Alone does not

I am now alone.

What are u responsible for?

Why do play victim baby
Sit in a corner and play victim
Everything seems to be a reaction to me
Reaction to something I said or done
Or the favourite of all
My anger
Everything is a because of my anger
A reaction to it
Where is your role in it
Is it ok to just say I am responsible for your anger
It feels like a global statement
Is everything a reaction to me

Where are you in this
Where is who u are and what u have done
Besides shutting me out
Besides resenting me for my anger
All of these are still reactions to my anger

Where is your responsiblity
You think you are the easist to be with
Your aggression which shows your your body and being
If not in words and expressions as mine

Where is your responsibility
Who you are
And how you have contributed
Is it u cant face your ugliness
It causes turmoil in you
To feel wrong
It feels like u have failed again
Like u feel failed in so many things in life
And u cant accept that you could have caused some of this
And then added more to this
Then you would not be anle to justify last year
You still defend it in the name of my anger and fear
That you have the ability to cause pain and completely insensitively

U are responsible

I am
I am responsible for all that goes wrong
Everything is a reaction to my anger
His shutting me out is my anger
He being passively aggressive is my anger
His fear is of any anger
End of the day it is my anger
And everything he has done
Is a reaction to my Anger
And that is comsidered being responsible
Responsible for his role in my relationship falling flat
Am I blind
Or does not not get it !