Sound sleep

How do you sleep
My darling
So peacefully
So soundly
So gently
While I
Wither away in pain
With Eyes flooding
With churn in my heart
With fire and knots in my belly
How do you sleep
My darling
So peacefully.

Everytime

Everytime I turned my back

There was someone

For comfort

For Sex

For excitment

For intimacy

I now know life with you

Only with someone else 

Always in it

And always whenever I turned my back

Everytime I was not there

Everytime I was gone 

Anywhere

There was someone 

I have always shared with you someone

And I never knew.

Everytime I turned my back around

I woke up

Trembling 

I had a dream

There was a woman 

In my first house

Everytime I was not around

She used to come and stay

You invited her

You talked to her

You played with her

You wanted her there

And then I found out

And U cried

And U came to me

And U wanted me 

U could not see meaning in life without me

But the woman was still there

Everytime I turned my back around

She was always there 

In my house!

Blind

Are u blind
Or you choose to ignore
Can you not see my bleeding heart
Or u choose to ignore
Can you not see the pain
The chaos inside
The tears
The unhappiness
Or you choose to ignore
Pretend its all ok
Blame it on food or chums
Go for a walk
Talk about work
But not touch the main concern
The conversation which I need
Brush it under the carpet
Are u blind
Are u so insensitive
Or u choose to ignore
Because you are scared
To touch the topic
It is a hard conversation
It will tear through us
But you are ok about it tearing through me
I cant choose to ignore anymore
I cant pretend to be ok when I am
I am shut down
But you choose to ignore

-Q

flutters in the stomach

I am feeling flutters in the stomach
I am said I am an addict
I am an addict to pain
I have been an addict to pain for 12 years
I get pleasure in pain
I get pleasure in beating myself
I cant ignore what he did
I live with what he did
I want to know what he did
I have disgust for what he did
I have disgust for some of the fantasies
I take them on
I get pleasure in pain
I take it on

My mind is rejecting
My body is rejecting
I am feeling phuckish
I am feeling scattered
I am feeling sick
I have learnt to live with this
This sick feeling
Its there
and I am learning to live with it

I cant ignore it
I cant tell him go satisfy it somewhere else
I cant myself deal with it and enjoy it
I cant loose the good because of this revulsion
I cant ignore it
It is like I am hooked on it
I am hooked to this pain it causes

What are my alternates...

I can completely reject all of him
I can ignore the bad of him
I can tell him to go satisfy it somewhere else
And live with him
I can participate in it with him

I cant seem to get to any of the three completely.
And It is making me sick.

I CANT CONTROL HIM
and what one does not like , they move off
I am not moving off what I dont like.

I am shaking.
I dont know what to do.

Small

I am feeling sick and small
The feeling came last night
The feeling stayed in the morning
The feeling has exploded in the evening

What Am I Doing
Why am I here
I got knots in my stomach today
When I came face to face
I felt so small
This is the person
I was rejected for
This is the person
Who is desired more
This is the person
I was bitched about to
This is the person
You were most intimate with

Everyone has moved on
She is moved on
And doing great
And I am here
Struggling and going nowhere

Why is he around me
There is no movement
No change
Just further slide
If she was easy to be with
If you looked forward to her
If she is the one you enjoyed
In every way
Why are u hanging with me
In the name of some bull shit attachement

I felt squeezed and small
I felt so small
That's not how I want to live
Under the threat of someone else
That someone else can come and disrupt my life and being
Just because you cant keep away

Why are u keeping away
In the first place

She would always mean more
How does it matter
If u decide to live with me
You are not with me anyway

Responsibility

I take responsibility for what happened
I am responsible for my actions
I am responsible for what is happening to me

These are safe
These are mature
These are responsible
These are tools

They give you charge of life

Yes, I am responsible
But...
I still feel pain
I still feel hurt
I still feel turmoil
of the consequences

I need to be mature
I need to take it on

Why?

I dont think I am making sense.
1:00 am . Bed.

Acknowledgements

You acknowledge what you have done
You acknowledge your role in it
People I talk to
Try and put logic and process to it
Try to make sense on what it happened
For them to reason and understand
It was bound to happen
You guys were far apart
Or used to get angry
Or he build resentment
But what does it do
It gives it some structure
For all to discuss and make sense
And work towards it not happening again

But does it reduce the pain
For a bit
Does it show how to live like on a daily basis
Everyone puts in the framework they come from
What about viewing it from my framework

Or acknowledging that
A lie and breach of trust is a breach of trust
A desire is a desire for the pleasure it provides
There is nothing else or cause of it
We do not need to look for a reason or a bad for it
We do not need to put in the framework

We just let it be. Why do we try and understand it.