Guilt time Over

Is it My love

Is the guilt time over
For what you did

Is that what bound you to me
For the last few years

Now that is over
We are back to what we were
With additional baggage

I struggle to believe
The words and the confessions
Given in that timeframe
As the actions today
Are completely the opposite

Are back to your games
Is the anger coming from there
It used to before
Are we back to living
Like the good old days

Is your guilt time over
The guilt that held you together with me
Is that over.

-Q 

Why Together

I wonder on days
When my stomach churns
Like today

We were doing better in the middle
What happened?
Every word spoken
Is like an acid and attack
Taken and Given

Why do we cling
If we both find each unbearable
Are we waiting for the other
To call it off
To give the relief

As individual
We fear
And there is no courage

 - Q

Visit

I visit here
After ten months.

I thought I was done
But here I am again

When there is no where else
To go
No one who can hear you

When I express
It is always taken as an attack
Then acid is through back

Why do I live like this
In hope that it will change
As I love
Or is it the comfort

Why am I here
Why am I anywhere

-Q

Addicted to Pain

Am I
Addicted to pain

Is it
That pain brings me
Alive

That pain gives me movement
A purpose
To even try

Without Pain
Life feels

DEAD!

Hold on me

I feel
You have a hold on me
Like a invisible cage
Where I am trapped

Like you decide my life
My being
Like you have
Complete control on me

Fear"full"

What is this life?

So many fears

So much hate

I feel enslaved

in Fear

in Explanation 

in Judgement 

in Failure

Why can't I tell

Why does my heart 

Get gripped in fear

Why cant I express

My pain 

My sorrow

To my own

Why do I feel this fear

Why have you enslaved me like this

Like you are the master

I fight this invisible cage

And  I fail everyday 

Will I continue like this

Day after day

Lose my energy and vitality

Build more fear

Lose my unborn child

Lose life!

The light goes out

I quiver
As I come here
After a half year
It feels like I had forgotten you
Pushed you somewhere
In the back of my sphere
Like an unwanted page of my life
Not wanting to open the pages
There is too much dark
Too much pain
Concealed within

What was I to know?
All the dark and the pain
Was always there
Within
I had put layers on it
Of distraction

The fever striped it all
It was so powerful
Not just physical
Showing me the dark
The pain
The life I was trying to hold and create
In my face

I feel knots in my stomach
I feel fear in my body
I feel sick and pukey
And like I can poop anytime

To realize that the lights
have dimmed in my life
And I was resisting it
Not acknowledging it

Maybe the real work begins now
How do I explain to him

I come back here
To Express
I have nowhere else

Q