Am I a joke?

I have to dig
I have to ask
Then I am told
I think of her
I shag on her
I fantasize on her
Then why me ?
What am I ?
Am I a Joke?
Because I stayed
Because I did not go
Am I someone u can toss around
So easy to say
I have no control
I listen
I deal with it daily
Sometimesc calmly
Sometimes in anger
 the inadequency I feel
every time u do what u do
But I have to deal with it
If I want to be with you
Thats th e price I pay for being with u
It is so casual for u
to just say I have no control
How ?
Is it all so easy
On a daily basis
to buture me like this
U reach out
go out
Do your thing
Meet people
I am here
All alone
crying in my bed
Night after night
as u shag night after night
I feel like a joke ?
Am I a joke ?

Killing me Softly

Is this how it is supposed tobe
Killing it softly
Maiking it so bitter
The fighting
The smashing of glass
Making it worse
To a point where there is only hate
Drag it to a point where it only bitter
Where he and I only feel bitter

I feel

I hear him cold and indifferent
Out tohave food and beer
I can hear the irritation in his voice
Like why the fuck have u called now
Have u not done enough drama
And I called
And called
Why?
I was angry
I was hurting
I was to stay away
I had made up my mind
And I slipped
I was in panic
When I walked intot he house
The walls were closing in on me
I left
I did not know
Where to go
I came home
I could not sit downstairs
I came up
I cant sit here to
I dont know what to do
I cant even leave now
How do I explain
Where I am going
Why am I going
I should have stayed out
And then gone back to the crawling walls
May be sat outside all night
Who would ask
To who do I matter
My head swims
My eyes hurt
And My heart .... it Pains ! I can feel the pain strong
Can u?

Last Night

I saw the pictures from the trip 

I relived the memories of good times with the three of us 

I saw pictures of u and me 

I saw pictures of u and her ......... and me

And every one of them made me feel

How u were with her at those moments and times

How u shared this special bond 

How I was kept so near and yet ..... so far

Everyone one of those pictures are painful

Every picture of her is painful now

Even the nov trip to A is painful

Pictures of that are painful 

Knowing that you did not want to be there 

Was forced to 

Knowing that u wanted to be in D as she was

Knowing that u wanted to be with her 

Knowing u came to A as I suspected 

And suspected right!

Where do I express

4 months
I still feel the pain
As real and live and fresh
It stays with me every day
20 hours a day
I get a break sometimes when I sleep
I get a break sometimes when I watch
I get a break sometimes when I meet
Otherwise it is with me
As a part of me
Why am I not getting rid of it
Why is it sitting in my stomach
Why does it zing my head day in and out

I am getting consumed by it
This hate and anger and bitterness
I feel great bitterness towards her now
Something I had not felt in the last few months
Why is the bitterness increasing
Why do I feel hate towards them

How long will I live consumed like this
When will I move on
People say forgive
At what point
When
Only when u feel fine
I can't pretend to forgive

I pretend to be strong
I pretend to be fine
Who wants a crying baby around
But my head shakes in my sleep and when I am awake
There is a weight on it
There is pain in it
It does not go away

I can't call anyone and break down
I can't have anyone take it away
I suffer alone
We are all alone