Expression

Where do I express my pain and emotions

No one will get my emotions

They are only mine to bear 

They are only mine to feel

No one can feel my pain 

It is intense and burning 

And it is all inside of me 

It is mine and only mine

Who do I tell 

What do I tell

How much do I tell 

How many times do I tell

There is no end to telling 

The pain is endless 

Pain

Pain is all I feel
The tight knot in your stomach
There all the time , reminding of its existence
Reminding of the shit that happens to u
Reminding that u were used/abused
Reminding of the pain caused to u
How long will u stay - ball of pain
When will u go?
I will come and go and every time u feel a bit better
I will come back to remind of u my existence
I am a part of u now
I will not go so easily
I am your companion now!

Sleeping

She is sleeping next to me.
And I am horny.
I want a real Hard one.
Will u baby, U are awake, are u online.
Let's talk scenairo's. They turn me on.
I can tell u things I could do to you.
U tell me things u could do to me.
U are so good baby.
U are driving me mad.
I can do all kinds of things with you.
I talk to you for hours.
I say things to you in my horniness.
I can come with you.
Do you know what I am doing with my rod.
Do u know where it needs to go.
U are my slave - mind body and soul.
U will do everything I want you to.
I am having a wild time with you.
Yeah, baby...that wasa  good slave.
Does as instructed.
Lie with your hips in the air.
Talk what all u will do to me.
I am saying so much about you.
U want a orgy with u . U on women u with men , me with women and me with men.
I want to hold a man also . I think I can.

And she is sleeping next to me.........

Toy

I feel like a toy. A toy who is picked when wanted and dropped when not wanted.

I am suddenly wanted again after years. I should be overjoyed.

Kind

I am kind.
I am so nice.
I am lovely.
WE fucked up but because uare the above, u will be mature about what u do.

I am to be mature about dealing with family.
I have to be careful to not shake the equtions at hime and hurt people.
I have to behave responsibily towards the business.
I have to behave responsbiliy about her as her boyfriends wants it. She is upset and apologized. What more do I want. It was only misjedgement on her part and nothing else.
It is a conversation between consenting adults.
And I now need to deal maturely about it and be sensitive to him and her .

He now wants to get back.
I have played around baby for 12 years.
I have played around with her intensly in every manner I could for over a year.
I lied to you baby.
I made u feel guilty.
I sat in front of you and said u are being suspicious.
I waited for you to be out of the house so I could virtually fuck your close friend. Sorry his close friend. Your's just friend.
We both hung out with you and made u feel nice but to go back to our places and go online.
And we call this friendship. Just friendship.

U were messed up anyway.
U and I were fucked anyway.
So this is no impact. This would happen anyway with someone.

So baby, now that I have decided to be with u.  I have dropped all my notions and my thoughts of who u are and how u are. I am now free to start fresh with you.

AND U ARE SO KIND. U WILL DROP IT ALL AND MAKE IT NICE FOR ME , BABY.

I am

I get angry.
I dont care.
I am insesitive.
I am never there.
I am everything someone does not want in their life.
I am vain.
I have a facade.
I have fuck up notions of monogamy.
I am insecure.
I was not someone to be with.
I get angry.
I shout.
I get angry and say sorry and think it is ok.
I have never cared for him.
I have never been there emotionally for him.
I am not good sex.
I am cribbing and tired all the time.
I come to him when I am tired.
I take out my anger on random things on him.

Anger

My anger is to blame
I am a monster
Because of my anger
Everything that goes wrong is because of my anger
I am anger

Timelines and words

Are timelines important
Are words important

To imagine it was months before I was told
Then to know it was a year before I was told
Timelines talk of intensity
Timelines talk of longivity
Timelines help put facts, people, faces, scenarios  in perspective
Timelines can shook you calm you, hurt you, surprise you, please you
You hear bew timelines, new words, new conversations

defination of friendships

When someone says they are friends what does it mean.
When someone says they are close friends what does it mean.
When someone says its complicated friendship what does it mean.
When someone says it is friends with benefits - this one is clear.


But 'we are friends' is such a grey zone. It can go anywhere. It can mean anything and it is fine. But when it has potentional to hurt so many other people. People lie. People do all kinds of things.

full circle

Life is a full circle.
It will come back to everyone.
I am sure it came to for some reason and things I did.
I used to wonder when will it come bite my ass.
And Bite my ass it did. It chopped it ... ha ha ha !

It will bite them too.
I have cursed them in bitterness and pain
Pain which is very raw
I have hated them
It will come and bite them

SOON ! 

He and She

He says I like whores and sluts.
She says I like being whored.
He says you are my whore.
He gets her and keeps her in his wife's house.
She eats bread with his wifes parents almost every second day.
He makes his wifes parents love her and take care of her.
He does not tell the wife and parents that she is his whore.
He makes his wife take care of her.
He has sex with wife and then goes to talk to the whore.
He put money in his whores business.
He used all of the family for his whore.
And she liked it all ! :)

Fucked it one more time

He lied to me.

He lied to me every time I asked.

He shut me out saying I was angry.

He is proud of the fact that he has shut me out of his life and head. 

He paid no attention to my family and in this specific case. 

He paid no attention to his family. 

And now he is chasing to make it ok.

It is just guilt and nothing else.

I am better off not being in touch.

I must have really added to this shit.

I need a counsellor.

He made me feel like shit.
The last one year was really tough.
We were fighting every second day.
I know why now.
He was somewhere else and guilty and took it out on me.
I was shutting him out saying what the fuck if he does not want to tell... I guess it is ok. He does not. His problem.

Victim

I feel like a victim
I have to stop it
I have to be strong
I have to get over him
It has happened and it cannot be changed
So what's the point of feeling victim
Why me?
Because it was meant to be u
That's why Darling
That's why?

Now is the time to recreate
To stop feeling bad for self
To go explore your life
To move focus away
There is no one stopping you anymore
There is so much in this life

All these formats people made dont work
Make your own

So easy

It was so easy for her.
To come and fuck my life up
Go back to her anchor
Who is there like a rock for her
Go back to a life which is so set
Throw mine in a upheveal

Blamed

What will this be blamed on?

No children 

No cooking for him 

Spending time with my friends

Going for holidays on my own

My work 

Not keeping the fasts or dressing up as married

Maintaining independent friendships

What will the society blame this on?
And the man can be free... it is the woman who has to hold him in.
Really? 

Exploration

I was feeling claustrophobic
Everything felt the same
I spent day and nights crying for a change
God heard
Someone heard
Gave me a change
Like being hit by a bolt of lightening
Collapsed all attachments and being

I was feeling claustraphobic
He was flying high and exploring
I was feeling deprived
He was feeling fulfilled and happy
I was being stagnated
He was growing

Deal

How does one deal
With this level of Deceit and Betrayal
A double Yammy

There are days when my head crawls
I read the exchanges
I crawl reading them 

There are days I am ok
When he is in front of me, I am ok.
Sex exploded with him like never before.
Like someone uncocked a bottle and woosh....

How does it happen
How does it happen with someone who has lied to you all through
Someone who has rejected you badly
And now is showering affection
And you moron lapping the affection as u are so deprived.

How does one deal with rejection
Of being rejected on a daily basis
Of being rejected every single day of your life
Of someone claiming how he has shut you out
Of someone opening doors for someone else

How is one emotionally entangled with the same person. 

Told

I was told I will not understand.
I was told it is complicated.
I yelled  that she probably does not even know and He kept quiet.
What an ass I was.
She knew.
I should have dealt with it then.
But
I was polite and held off
I was polite as I would be judging and she would feel bad
I was polite that she would be hurt
I in my vainty kept quiet
I maintained indepdendent friendship still
But she knew ... she knew everything.
She knew I knew about the sms... She knew both sides of the story and used it.
She used information given by me for herself.
She used all my friendship ... She used me to get him.

Fucked it up

There were signs ... there were messages... I ignored... I did not pick them up. 

I now can re collect some of them.... Some specific messages and incidents and expressions and body language. 

I trusted blindly. 

Guilt

Is it guilt
How long will it last
The attention and time being given
The love and affection being showered
Only because he is guilty
How long will this last

He landed here unannounced
Spent time and affection
There were great moments
Like the past never happened
Like everything was normal and great

And then it comes rushing back like a bullet
And hits between the eyes
And u crack
And wonder
Will I be normal again
With a relationship so cracked

This is like before
Give time and attention when upset
And forget when fine

It will last as long
As there is guilt
And then gone

Think

When I think
The chats
The Imitimacy
The conversations
The time spent
The expression
The ignoring
It is hard to digest

And here I am
Struggling to get around
To know more
Proud of my comfort levels
Proud of giving space
And it comes crashing down
Mind numbing and boggling

Blind and no free lunch

I was really blind
Smug and sure
I cam crashing down

I was smashed a few years back
Made comfortable in another format
Here is another one
I am to get ok with this one

There is no free lunch
I used to wonder when and how
I got it on a platter
More intense that I imagined
Killing my trust and being
Washed my happiness off me.

What u want comes true... just twisted
This was the twist of my life
I was blind. 

I brought it upon me in some ways. 

Pain

The pain is unbearable
On some days some moments.
It is like someone has taken a knife
And sliced through you
 Those moments you don't want to live. 

Where do I begin from

It was a month back
My world crashed
It feels far now
I am dead emotions now
I was angry and hurt
I cried and howled in pain
I spent days and weeks
Completely blank and weak
Feeling rejected and in pain
A Pain so painful
I dont want to live another day

I felt guilty for years
Over a decade
Made worse with the last year
I asked and asked and was told
You are insecure
U are shit
U think shit

I watched them hang out
I watched theme veryday
Sit in front of me
Be with me
Now to know how they were involved
And how they lied to me

How does one do this
How does your judgement go so wrong
How does one pretend to be a close friend
Knows your have a fucked up relationship
Knows she is a part of it
All in the name of friendship
In the name of mutual attraction
In the name of random bull shit

I sit and think
I compaionship in another friendship
She felt the same frustrations with him
It was not just me
He was a pain in the ass
I told her multiple times
He was very close toher
I was finding support in her
I was discussing him with her

All the time I was blind
I never checked and realized
When I found out
I was hit like a bullet
I was sitting shaking in the loo
I dont know why I stopped and read
And I read more and more
And it hit home
Bull eye

Even he would not know
Till it hits him
To be punched like that