Where do I begin from

It was a month back
My world crashed
It feels far now
I am dead emotions now
I was angry and hurt
I cried and howled in pain
I spent days and weeks
Completely blank and weak
Feeling rejected and in pain
A Pain so painful
I dont want to live another day

I felt guilty for years
Over a decade
Made worse with the last year
I asked and asked and was told
You are insecure
U are shit
U think shit

I watched them hang out
I watched theme veryday
Sit in front of me
Be with me
Now to know how they were involved
And how they lied to me

How does one do this
How does your judgement go so wrong
How does one pretend to be a close friend
Knows your have a fucked up relationship
Knows she is a part of it
All in the name of friendship
In the name of mutual attraction
In the name of random bull shit

I sit and think
I compaionship in another friendship
She felt the same frustrations with him
It was not just me
He was a pain in the ass
I told her multiple times
He was very close toher
I was finding support in her
I was discussing him with her

All the time I was blind
I never checked and realized
When I found out
I was hit like a bullet
I was sitting shaking in the loo
I dont know why I stopped and read
And I read more and more
And it hit home
Bull eye

Even he would not know
Till it hits him
To be punched like that