Days I land here

How does this happen
There are days I land here to write
Those days my head is reeling
And I am feeling confused
Like today I am feeling light
Today is a day to tuck in bed and lie with a book
Maybe watch a movie
As my whole body is resonating
My head is resonating
With the uncertainity
The pain of existing
When will this pain stop
When will this pain go
I watch it now sometimes
I just sit and watch it
But there are days when it bursts
Like lighting in the storm
It wants to find a mark
and strike
And it does
Again and again
On myself !!!!!!!!!

Fear

What we fear always come true
What is it that fear does
Fear of loss
Fear of Happiness
Fear of face
Fear of love
Fear of attachement
It causes pain
Fear causes Pain
Big bad Pain
But fear always come true
It is almost like we attact the fear
To make it happen. 

One more day

Today ! Again!
Yes . Again.
Overwelhmed
Yes. Again.
Breakdown.
Yes. Again.
Anxiety Attack
Yes. Again and Again.

Alone-ness

Explain Alone-ness
It is empty feeling
There is nothing u crave for
U feel dead
U feel misunderstood
U feel like no one knows u
U need a wall
U feel sinking in your stomach
U feel dread
U feel dysfunctional
U spend hours just being
Not knowing where time went
It is an emotion I have not experienced before
It takes the love of life out of you
Out of your being
Your confidence
Your being
All sucked out
U lose any joy in life
U almost dont want to live anymore
U drag each day for the sake of it
As u are too scared to end it

Alone

I am alone
I was lonely last year
Now I am officially alone
It does not matter
If there is someone around or not
If u are partying or not
If u are living with someone or not
U are alone.

Loneliness gets taken care of
Alone does not

I am now alone.

What are u responsible for?

Why do play victim baby
Sit in a corner and play victim
Everything seems to be a reaction to me
Reaction to something I said or done
Or the favourite of all
My anger
Everything is a because of my anger
A reaction to it
Where is your role in it
Is it ok to just say I am responsible for your anger
It feels like a global statement
Is everything a reaction to me

Where are you in this
Where is who u are and what u have done
Besides shutting me out
Besides resenting me for my anger
All of these are still reactions to my anger

Where is your responsiblity
You think you are the easist to be with
Your aggression which shows your your body and being
If not in words and expressions as mine

Where is your responsibility
Who you are
And how you have contributed
Is it u cant face your ugliness
It causes turmoil in you
To feel wrong
It feels like u have failed again
Like u feel failed in so many things in life
And u cant accept that you could have caused some of this
And then added more to this
Then you would not be anle to justify last year
You still defend it in the name of my anger and fear
That you have the ability to cause pain and completely insensitively

U are responsible

I am
I am responsible for all that goes wrong
Everything is a reaction to my anger
His shutting me out is my anger
He being passively aggressive is my anger
His fear is of any anger
End of the day it is my anger
And everything he has done
Is a reaction to my Anger
And that is comsidered being responsible
Responsible for his role in my relationship falling flat
Am I blind
Or does not not get it !

To my Stomach

Hi There
How do you feel today?
U are doing great some time ago
Why have u gone so upset
U cause weird sensations in my being
Why are doing this?
When will u decide your mood is fine
When will u make me feel normal
When will u let go of these emotions
This turmoil within
Do you enjoy the churn u cause
The dysfunctionality the comes
U are my seat of emotions
Why do you cause such turmoil
When will u get ok
Please feel better
Lets us both feel better
Hey  Stomach
Please get ok soon

The turbulent me

Are they the external manifestion
Of the Turbulent me
The Turbulent me
Which has been brewing
In my head and heart
The Strom
That I have been trying to control
The Storm I have been trying to deal with
The Storm in my Soul. 

My lowest ever in life

I am the lowest ever in life
Is there scope to go lower?
There is
There is
I can think of so much more
I can create a complete drama in the head
I canc reate different scenarios
But right now
It is the lowest of the low
So far for me
Does it get better from here
Anything
In any direction
Should I freeze my eggs
Should I study
Should I do nothing
Which direction to go
Small decisions are hard to take
Right now juggling with
To go travel or stay in bombay
I am at the lowest of my low
It is acceptance to hear
Some one tell u
You are at your shittest in life
Right now
It is messy
And layered
Could not get messier
I wonder
Why did I
Have to deal with such layers
I am sure many do
And I think they go black and white
But here
The dimensions boggle me
It is the shittest and the lowest of the low

Am I a joke?

I have to dig
I have to ask
Then I am told
I think of her
I shag on her
I fantasize on her
Then why me ?
What am I ?
Am I a Joke?
Because I stayed
Because I did not go
Am I someone u can toss around
So easy to say
I have no control
I listen
I deal with it daily
Sometimesc calmly
Sometimes in anger
 the inadequency I feel
every time u do what u do
But I have to deal with it
If I want to be with you
Thats th e price I pay for being with u
It is so casual for u
to just say I have no control
How ?
Is it all so easy
On a daily basis
to buture me like this
U reach out
go out
Do your thing
Meet people
I am here
All alone
crying in my bed
Night after night
as u shag night after night
I feel like a joke ?
Am I a joke ?

Killing me Softly

Is this how it is supposed tobe
Killing it softly
Maiking it so bitter
The fighting
The smashing of glass
Making it worse
To a point where there is only hate
Drag it to a point where it only bitter
Where he and I only feel bitter

I feel

I hear him cold and indifferent
Out tohave food and beer
I can hear the irritation in his voice
Like why the fuck have u called now
Have u not done enough drama
And I called
And called
Why?
I was angry
I was hurting
I was to stay away
I had made up my mind
And I slipped
I was in panic
When I walked intot he house
The walls were closing in on me
I left
I did not know
Where to go
I came home
I could not sit downstairs
I came up
I cant sit here to
I dont know what to do
I cant even leave now
How do I explain
Where I am going
Why am I going
I should have stayed out
And then gone back to the crawling walls
May be sat outside all night
Who would ask
To who do I matter
My head swims
My eyes hurt
And My heart .... it Pains ! I can feel the pain strong
Can u?

Last Night

I saw the pictures from the trip 

I relived the memories of good times with the three of us 

I saw pictures of u and me 

I saw pictures of u and her ......... and me

And every one of them made me feel

How u were with her at those moments and times

How u shared this special bond 

How I was kept so near and yet ..... so far

Everyone one of those pictures are painful

Every picture of her is painful now

Even the nov trip to A is painful

Pictures of that are painful 

Knowing that you did not want to be there 

Was forced to 

Knowing that u wanted to be in D as she was

Knowing that u wanted to be with her 

Knowing u came to A as I suspected 

And suspected right!

Where do I express

4 months
I still feel the pain
As real and live and fresh
It stays with me every day
20 hours a day
I get a break sometimes when I sleep
I get a break sometimes when I watch
I get a break sometimes when I meet
Otherwise it is with me
As a part of me
Why am I not getting rid of it
Why is it sitting in my stomach
Why does it zing my head day in and out

I am getting consumed by it
This hate and anger and bitterness
I feel great bitterness towards her now
Something I had not felt in the last few months
Why is the bitterness increasing
Why do I feel hate towards them

How long will I live consumed like this
When will I move on
People say forgive
At what point
When
Only when u feel fine
I can't pretend to forgive

I pretend to be strong
I pretend to be fine
Who wants a crying baby around
But my head shakes in my sleep and when I am awake
There is a weight on it
There is pain in it
It does not go away

I can't call anyone and break down
I can't have anyone take it away
I suffer alone
We are all alone

Look Away

They pulled him out of the water
He clung onto the rod
They pulled at him
They threw him on the rocks
He was smashed and hurting
Still writhing
They pick him up and collasped his head
He was climbing on their arms
They tore him apart
Till he was still
And I watched
I could not take my eyes off
I could not even blink
There was a feeling of emptiness.

Bad side of me

The bad side of me
The bad side of me watches
The bad side of me wants to feel
The bad side of me wants every moment
The bad side of me wants to experience it all

Why

Why
Why do I wait for him
Why is he still the one
Why is the closest to me
Why is he still everything to me
He has caused so much pain
He has lied to me
He has shut me out
He has made me cry
He has broken my trust
He has left me nowhere
Then
Why do I still want him!

Trust

We are good to break others
But it pains when ours is broken
U broke my trust is fine
But how could he break yours
How could he just walk out on you
Did he not walk out on me
To be with you

Close to me

Why did u get close to me
Why did u build this trust
I used to break down in front of u
I used to talk about my love
I used to talk about my frustration
I used to talk about everything
I was close to you
And u were with my love
Wanting his love
U never told me
And now u are hurt
And u talk about friendship and trust
How do you talk about it
When u cant maintain it yourself
How do you get angry on it
When u break friendships and trust
Is it because what u and he shared
Was more precious in your mind
You say I trusted him
I say I trusted him
I say I trusted you
What did u do
So
Why do u get angry
Why are u hurt

Who to talk too

When u suffer
U suffer alone
Who is there
Right now
I am alone
I can't explain
What I feel
Every day and moment
My head is so full
When I talk
I get solutions
Stop it
Do this
Do that
Maybe they are right
Who do I reach out to
As my own
I know all care
I know they are there
But who can I reach out to
Unconditionally
Who can I just call
And break down to
I am all alone
You suffer alone

Venom

Yes, there is venom
So full of it that it can choke me
It starts to come out when I think of u
I think of the trust and the way it was shattered
I think of the intimacy and how I was kept out of it
Full of venom
I am full of venom
I bite when stirred. 

Breakdowns

When we talk
Everytime we talk
There is a breakdown baby
We hurt one another
We can't see eye to eye
We only want our agenda
I shut down baby
I can't express
When u chase with a force and agenda
It's been like this for years
But it does not change
It is like someone has possessed u
Like you are taken over
And all u want is your point of view
It does not matter
Whether I agree or not
I have to agree
There is no other option
And now
There is no more communication
As all is closed
As I feel broken

My friend

She came
She loved
She was fun
She was open and lovely
She shared
She did not judge
She became my closest friend
She then made do this for her work
She then made me be there emotionally for her
She then got close to me for information
She then used all resources I had
She then used my trust and love
She treated my life as hers
She then used my house for herself
She then used my house for her plans and parties and people
She then used my man for herself
And she says she loved me.

My Love

my love
my love said u are everything in my life
my love said I have never lied
my love said u are a part of me
my love said his happiness depended on me
my love made promises to me
my love said he exists because I am in his life
my love then fucked my closest friend
my love then then lied to me about it
my love then threw parties for her and her partner
my love then made me hang out with her
my love then made me do things for her and him
my love then bitched about me to her
my love. 

All Alone

Who do I talk to .
Who do I tell.
Who will understand this.
Who will get to the depth of what I feel.
There is no one I can talk to anymore.
I feel pain, anger, despair.
I feel like someone is squeezing me.
And there is no one I can talk to.
No one will get it.
There is not a soul I can make understand how I feel.
Who? Why? There is no anchor I can go to anymore.
There is no one I can talk to anymore.
There is no one I can reach out to anymore.
I am all ALONE

A feeling of Dead

This feeling inside
This feeling is of emptiness
This feeling stays when I step out
This feeling is my companion now
This feeling is everywhere with me.

Talked to me.

If Only you had told me baby
It may have been very different
It did not need to turn out like this
If only u had talked to me baby. 

Give up

There are days I give up
There are days I hold on to
There are days when I am stuck and confused between the two
And thent here are days like today
When u are giving up
When u feel that there cannot be any resolution
When u feel it is too fucked up
When u feel the pain so sharp
When u feel dead
When u feel like the world is collapsing
When u finally feel numb
When u finally feel helpless
When u finially feel drained
U give up!

I can feel me giving up.

Expression

Where do I express my pain and emotions

No one will get my emotions

They are only mine to bear 

They are only mine to feel

No one can feel my pain 

It is intense and burning 

And it is all inside of me 

It is mine and only mine

Who do I tell 

What do I tell

How much do I tell 

How many times do I tell

There is no end to telling 

The pain is endless 

Pain

Pain is all I feel
The tight knot in your stomach
There all the time , reminding of its existence
Reminding of the shit that happens to u
Reminding that u were used/abused
Reminding of the pain caused to u
How long will u stay - ball of pain
When will u go?
I will come and go and every time u feel a bit better
I will come back to remind of u my existence
I am a part of u now
I will not go so easily
I am your companion now!

Sleeping

She is sleeping next to me.
And I am horny.
I want a real Hard one.
Will u baby, U are awake, are u online.
Let's talk scenairo's. They turn me on.
I can tell u things I could do to you.
U tell me things u could do to me.
U are so good baby.
U are driving me mad.
I can do all kinds of things with you.
I talk to you for hours.
I say things to you in my horniness.
I can come with you.
Do you know what I am doing with my rod.
Do u know where it needs to go.
U are my slave - mind body and soul.
U will do everything I want you to.
I am having a wild time with you.
Yeah, baby...that wasa  good slave.
Does as instructed.
Lie with your hips in the air.
Talk what all u will do to me.
I am saying so much about you.
U want a orgy with u . U on women u with men , me with women and me with men.
I want to hold a man also . I think I can.

And she is sleeping next to me.........

Toy

I feel like a toy. A toy who is picked when wanted and dropped when not wanted.

I am suddenly wanted again after years. I should be overjoyed.

Kind

I am kind.
I am so nice.
I am lovely.
WE fucked up but because uare the above, u will be mature about what u do.

I am to be mature about dealing with family.
I have to be careful to not shake the equtions at hime and hurt people.
I have to behave responsibily towards the business.
I have to behave responsbiliy about her as her boyfriends wants it. She is upset and apologized. What more do I want. It was only misjedgement on her part and nothing else.
It is a conversation between consenting adults.
And I now need to deal maturely about it and be sensitive to him and her .

He now wants to get back.
I have played around baby for 12 years.
I have played around with her intensly in every manner I could for over a year.
I lied to you baby.
I made u feel guilty.
I sat in front of you and said u are being suspicious.
I waited for you to be out of the house so I could virtually fuck your close friend. Sorry his close friend. Your's just friend.
We both hung out with you and made u feel nice but to go back to our places and go online.
And we call this friendship. Just friendship.

U were messed up anyway.
U and I were fucked anyway.
So this is no impact. This would happen anyway with someone.

So baby, now that I have decided to be with u.  I have dropped all my notions and my thoughts of who u are and how u are. I am now free to start fresh with you.

AND U ARE SO KIND. U WILL DROP IT ALL AND MAKE IT NICE FOR ME , BABY.

I am

I get angry.
I dont care.
I am insesitive.
I am never there.
I am everything someone does not want in their life.
I am vain.
I have a facade.
I have fuck up notions of monogamy.
I am insecure.
I was not someone to be with.
I get angry.
I shout.
I get angry and say sorry and think it is ok.
I have never cared for him.
I have never been there emotionally for him.
I am not good sex.
I am cribbing and tired all the time.
I come to him when I am tired.
I take out my anger on random things on him.

Anger

My anger is to blame
I am a monster
Because of my anger
Everything that goes wrong is because of my anger
I am anger

Timelines and words

Are timelines important
Are words important

To imagine it was months before I was told
Then to know it was a year before I was told
Timelines talk of intensity
Timelines talk of longivity
Timelines help put facts, people, faces, scenarios  in perspective
Timelines can shook you calm you, hurt you, surprise you, please you
You hear bew timelines, new words, new conversations

defination of friendships

When someone says they are friends what does it mean.
When someone says they are close friends what does it mean.
When someone says its complicated friendship what does it mean.
When someone says it is friends with benefits - this one is clear.


But 'we are friends' is such a grey zone. It can go anywhere. It can mean anything and it is fine. But when it has potentional to hurt so many other people. People lie. People do all kinds of things.

full circle

Life is a full circle.
It will come back to everyone.
I am sure it came to for some reason and things I did.
I used to wonder when will it come bite my ass.
And Bite my ass it did. It chopped it ... ha ha ha !

It will bite them too.
I have cursed them in bitterness and pain
Pain which is very raw
I have hated them
It will come and bite them

SOON ! 

He and She

He says I like whores and sluts.
She says I like being whored.
He says you are my whore.
He gets her and keeps her in his wife's house.
She eats bread with his wifes parents almost every second day.
He makes his wifes parents love her and take care of her.
He does not tell the wife and parents that she is his whore.
He makes his wife take care of her.
He has sex with wife and then goes to talk to the whore.
He put money in his whores business.
He used all of the family for his whore.
And she liked it all ! :)

Fucked it one more time

He lied to me.

He lied to me every time I asked.

He shut me out saying I was angry.

He is proud of the fact that he has shut me out of his life and head. 

He paid no attention to my family and in this specific case. 

He paid no attention to his family. 

And now he is chasing to make it ok.

It is just guilt and nothing else.

I am better off not being in touch.

I must have really added to this shit.

I need a counsellor.

He made me feel like shit.
The last one year was really tough.
We were fighting every second day.
I know why now.
He was somewhere else and guilty and took it out on me.
I was shutting him out saying what the fuck if he does not want to tell... I guess it is ok. He does not. His problem.

Victim

I feel like a victim
I have to stop it
I have to be strong
I have to get over him
It has happened and it cannot be changed
So what's the point of feeling victim
Why me?
Because it was meant to be u
That's why Darling
That's why?

Now is the time to recreate
To stop feeling bad for self
To go explore your life
To move focus away
There is no one stopping you anymore
There is so much in this life

All these formats people made dont work
Make your own

So easy

It was so easy for her.
To come and fuck my life up
Go back to her anchor
Who is there like a rock for her
Go back to a life which is so set
Throw mine in a upheveal

Blamed

What will this be blamed on?

No children 

No cooking for him 

Spending time with my friends

Going for holidays on my own

My work 

Not keeping the fasts or dressing up as married

Maintaining independent friendships

What will the society blame this on?
And the man can be free... it is the woman who has to hold him in.
Really? 

Exploration

I was feeling claustrophobic
Everything felt the same
I spent day and nights crying for a change
God heard
Someone heard
Gave me a change
Like being hit by a bolt of lightening
Collapsed all attachments and being

I was feeling claustraphobic
He was flying high and exploring
I was feeling deprived
He was feeling fulfilled and happy
I was being stagnated
He was growing

Deal

How does one deal
With this level of Deceit and Betrayal
A double Yammy

There are days when my head crawls
I read the exchanges
I crawl reading them 

There are days I am ok
When he is in front of me, I am ok.
Sex exploded with him like never before.
Like someone uncocked a bottle and woosh....

How does it happen
How does it happen with someone who has lied to you all through
Someone who has rejected you badly
And now is showering affection
And you moron lapping the affection as u are so deprived.

How does one deal with rejection
Of being rejected on a daily basis
Of being rejected every single day of your life
Of someone claiming how he has shut you out
Of someone opening doors for someone else

How is one emotionally entangled with the same person. 

Told

I was told I will not understand.
I was told it is complicated.
I yelled  that she probably does not even know and He kept quiet.
What an ass I was.
She knew.
I should have dealt with it then.
But
I was polite and held off
I was polite as I would be judging and she would feel bad
I was polite that she would be hurt
I in my vainty kept quiet
I maintained indepdendent friendship still
But she knew ... she knew everything.
She knew I knew about the sms... She knew both sides of the story and used it.
She used information given by me for herself.
She used all my friendship ... She used me to get him.

Fucked it up

There were signs ... there were messages... I ignored... I did not pick them up. 

I now can re collect some of them.... Some specific messages and incidents and expressions and body language. 

I trusted blindly. 

Guilt

Is it guilt
How long will it last
The attention and time being given
The love and affection being showered
Only because he is guilty
How long will this last

He landed here unannounced
Spent time and affection
There were great moments
Like the past never happened
Like everything was normal and great

And then it comes rushing back like a bullet
And hits between the eyes
And u crack
And wonder
Will I be normal again
With a relationship so cracked

This is like before
Give time and attention when upset
And forget when fine

It will last as long
As there is guilt
And then gone

Think

When I think
The chats
The Imitimacy
The conversations
The time spent
The expression
The ignoring
It is hard to digest

And here I am
Struggling to get around
To know more
Proud of my comfort levels
Proud of giving space
And it comes crashing down
Mind numbing and boggling

Blind and no free lunch

I was really blind
Smug and sure
I cam crashing down

I was smashed a few years back
Made comfortable in another format
Here is another one
I am to get ok with this one

There is no free lunch
I used to wonder when and how
I got it on a platter
More intense that I imagined
Killing my trust and being
Washed my happiness off me.

What u want comes true... just twisted
This was the twist of my life
I was blind. 

I brought it upon me in some ways. 

Pain

The pain is unbearable
On some days some moments.
It is like someone has taken a knife
And sliced through you
 Those moments you don't want to live. 

Where do I begin from

It was a month back
My world crashed
It feels far now
I am dead emotions now
I was angry and hurt
I cried and howled in pain
I spent days and weeks
Completely blank and weak
Feeling rejected and in pain
A Pain so painful
I dont want to live another day

I felt guilty for years
Over a decade
Made worse with the last year
I asked and asked and was told
You are insecure
U are shit
U think shit

I watched them hang out
I watched theme veryday
Sit in front of me
Be with me
Now to know how they were involved
And how they lied to me

How does one do this
How does your judgement go so wrong
How does one pretend to be a close friend
Knows your have a fucked up relationship
Knows she is a part of it
All in the name of friendship
In the name of mutual attraction
In the name of random bull shit

I sit and think
I compaionship in another friendship
She felt the same frustrations with him
It was not just me
He was a pain in the ass
I told her multiple times
He was very close toher
I was finding support in her
I was discussing him with her

All the time I was blind
I never checked and realized
When I found out
I was hit like a bullet
I was sitting shaking in the loo
I dont know why I stopped and read
And I read more and more
And it hit home
Bull eye

Even he would not know
Till it hits him
To be punched like that